Why Shizuo and Izaya Should Never Have A Child
by Shitsuren69
Summary: CRACK. Shizuo and Izaya decide to have a child. And Shinra is the unlucky doctor who suggests that perhaps they should adopt. And guess who's the unlucky child that they adopt? YAOI. One-shot.


Hello again, everyone! Today, I shall try my hands on the most popular DRRR! yaoi couple. Shizaya/Izou, or whatever else you call it. Now, please don't take any offense at this story. I'm just trying to depict all the characters as I think they'll react to this… unusual situation. And if anything displeases you, think of it this way: This story is pure humor. It wasn't meant to be taken seriously to begin with.

Warning: CRACK, Izou/Shizaya, OOCness, Aoba

I don't own DRRR! or Death Note (Omake).

* * *

For as long as Shinra had known Shizuo, which, by the way, was since elementary school, he had never thought of the other man as the loving type. Shizuo was just too violent. Too short tempered. Too sensitive about his strength. There was no way the man in the bartending suit could ever love another and have that love returned. It just wasn't physically possible. If the lover wasn't buried six feet under, then the lover would be in the hospital. Either way, Heiwajima Shizuo would end up in a corner by himself.

And yet, the truth was staring straight in the face today, of all days, in the form of Orihara Izaya.

"So you'll help us, right?" Izaya asked with a bright grin as always.

Shinra gulped, really not liking the scene in front of him.

Izaya was sitting across from Shinra in Shinra and Selty's apartment complex. Selty was sitting next to Shinra, also looking shocked. Of course, normal people would not have been able to sense that anything was wrong with the headless dullahan. But Shinra was far from normal. After all, he was in love with her. Not to mention his best friends were Shizuo and Izaya back in the days.

"So let me get this straight," Shinra said finally. "You and Shizuo-kun want to get married."

"Oh," Izaya said, covering his mouth with his left hand as if he was trying to be innocent. A wedding ring shone brightly on his ring finger. "We're already married."

Shinra felt the world shudder in horror. Or perhaps it was just him shuddering. But a glance over at Selty told him that, yes, the world did indeed shudder in horror. She also looked very sickened by the thought of Shizuo and Izaya getting it on. _Okay, so I'm not the only one that thinks Karisawa Erika was sickening for thinking up this pairing._

"Then explain to us _that_," Selty typed on her cell before showing it to Izaya. Without reading it, Shinra knew what she had typed. After all, 'that' was… rather impossible to miss.

Shizuo was on the ground, twitching and shouting with anger. Now, normal people would wonder why the fake bartender was on the ground. To that question, Shinra would simply point at Izaya and the question would fade away like a trial of smoke. The better question, he and Selty thought, was a different question all together.

It was: Why was Shizuo tied in chains?

"Oh you know," Izaya said. He twirled his finger in the air, a mock of fake innocence. "He just wouldn't keep his hands off of me!"

"Bastard!" Shizuo shouted. "Don't twist words around like that!"

Shinra and Selty glanced at each other. Then Shinra let out a nervous laughter while Selty shrugged her shoulders. Deciding rather swiftly that Shizuo was a lost cause, the two lovers faced the informat again.

"Uh… well…" Izaya began, twiddling his thumbs. But his act did not fool Shinra. Izaya was pretending to be meek. Those little blushes on his cheeks were faked. And so were his little antics. Izaya may be a great manipulator, but he couldn't fool the underground doctor.

"Shizu-chan and I want to have a child."

_Dear God, what are you planning?_ Shinra paled at the thought of baby Izaya-Shizuo hybrids running around. Not only would the child be as insane as Izaya, but he would most likely be super strong. And the child would most likely have the worst childhood ever. Can you imagine growing up with Izaya and Shizuo as your parents? Shinra didn't blame the kid if the kid ever wanted to run away.

While Shinra was busy at the thought of this fake baby, Selty typed something furiously on her cell phone and showed it to the two men.

"But I thought men couldn't have babies together?"

"Oh!" Shinra exclaimed as a light bulb turned on next to his head. _That's right! Men can't have babies together!_ He sighed in relief. There wouldn't be any monster hybrid child running around in Ikebukuro in the near future. "That's right! Izaya-kun and Shizuo-kun often skipped biology class! They must have missed the unit when we were talking about getting pregnant! You're absolutely right, Selty-chan. Men can't have babies together!"

"That's why I want your help, Shinra-kun," Izaya answered easily, his fake meekness gone.

Shinra felt what was left of his soul whiter away. _They want me to create the lovechild between Shizuo and Izaya. They want me to create…_ Selty, feeling sympathetic to her lover, patted his shoulder. She then turned to Izaya with another question on her cell.

"But how is that possible?"

Izaya shrugged. "Beats me. He's the doctor."

The underground doctor took in a deep breath. He held it in for three seconds before releasing it. The room was silent except for Shizuo's constant shouting of, "I'll kill him! I'll kill him!" Shinra was tempted to release the poor man just to watch Izaya get torn to pieces. But on a scale, the threat of Izaya outweighed Shizuo completely. So Shinra seriously thought about Izaya's request.

"I suppose you can always get a woman," Shinra said.

Izaya made a face. "I don't want a random stranger's DNA mixed into our child!"

Shinra tapped his chin. "Hm…" He looked like he was focused on the topic for a minute. Then he opened his mouth and proved to everyone that he was indeed not focused on the topic. "Just a passing thought… which one of you is seme?"

"Shinra, I'll kill you too!" was Shizuo's response.

Selty waved her hands at the angered man, trying to calm him down. But Shizuo would have none of it. He had already reached the point of snapping, which Izaya had simply contained by tying him up in chains. But now that his temper had flared beyond the point of snapping, the chains began to grind unhealthily into his skin as he tried to force them apart with his body.

Seeing this, Izaya merely giggled and said, "How cute."

That was the finally straw. Shizuo snapped the chain around him with ease and lunged at the insane man with a nearby… sofa. The same sofa that both Shinra and Selty had been occupying a moment before. But now that Shinra blinked, he was on the ground with Selty protectively standing over him. He smiled softly at his love. _She's so cool._

Meanwhile, Izaya dodged the sofa with ease. He then reached into his pocket for his trusty knife. With a rather self-satisfied smile, he sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "Insistent as always I see, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo grabbed the nearest coffee table and threw it at Izaya. Flying sofas, Selty could easily tolerate. And for that matter, chained up bartenders were also easily tolerated. These kinds of things happened every day in Ikebukuro (or at least it did when you knew Heiwajima Shizuo). However, no one touched that coffee table. She had worked her butt off for the last three months to gather enough money for that table. And she would not sit here and watch as the table shattered to pieces.

Quickly using her shadow, she caught the coffee table with ease. Then the shadow grabbed both Shizuo and Izaya and lifted the two high up in the air. She then turned to the two men and showed them her cell, which had something new written on it.

"Please take your lover's quarrel outside of my apartment."

Shizuo opened his mouth to protest, but he found that the shadowy black substance had covered his mouth. Fuming angrily, he struggled against the shadow, but to no avail. Seeing this, the informat sniggered. Shizuo glared at the man, swearing to tear him apart, limb by limb…

"If you really want a child…" Shinra said as he stood up and dusted himself. "I think you guys should look into adopting."

* * *

"Adoption…" Izaya whispered softly. He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I haven't really thought about it."

Shizuo rolled his eyes. Right. The great Orihara Izaya hadn't thought of something? Of course that was possible. He decided to ignore the rambling informant and lit a cigarette.

"I mean… it wouldn't be our own child," Izaya continued. "We wouldn't have the joy of raising a child from birth to our death. Not to mention the child won't have our wonderful characteristics!"

_And pray tell me, which characteristics are those?_ Shizuo glanced at his hands. _Freakishly strong_, he thought about himself. He then glanced over at Izaya. _Freakishly perverted._ He then tilted his head. _If we combine the two, what do we get?_

"Our child won't have my wonderfully silky black hair! Nor my beautiful onyx eyes!" Izaya continued. "Nor my fair complexion!"

_Perversely strong? _Shizuo wondered.

"Our child won't have my model-like height! Nor my straight nose! Nor my eloquent way of speech!"

_Strongly perverted?_ Shizuo continued to ponder.

"And worst of all!" Izaya struck a pose.

_Freakishly freaky?_

"Our child won't share my love for humanity!"

Shizuo blinked. Perhaps it was a good thing that they were adopting.

* * *

"What about this one?" Izaya asked as he handed a giant binder over to Shizuo.

The binder was labeled, "Future Child." And, obviously, it contained pictures and data on children that Shizuo and Izaya could consider adopting. There were children of all shapes and sizes, all ages, and even different ethnicities. In fact, there were so many children in the binder that Shizuo couldn't help but to feel slightly overwhelmed. How could they choose the perfect child from this big binder?

Shizuo glanced at the picture of a child. Fat cheeks, wide eyes, freckles. Okay, so he didn't look _that_ bad. But then Shizuo noticed the data. Allergies, problems, overweight, problems… this kid just had too much of an issue. He shook his head no.

Then he noticed a certain glassed girl on the next page. She had sort of a melancholy look to her. Perhaps it was the way her bangs fell over her forehead. Or perhaps it was her blank look. Whatever the reason, Shizuo considered this girl seriously.

"What about this… Sonohara Anri?"

And suddenly, Izaya became still. He slowly turned to face Shizuo, his grin twitching. "No."

It was rather odd that the usually talkative informant just used that one word for Anri. Shizuo frowned. _Did she do something to him?_ He then noticed the little notes that Izaya placed on the information sheet.

_Is actually Saika. AVOID._

"Oh," Shizuo mumbled.

Izaya flipped the page on the binder that Shizuo was holding. His face lit up suddenly and he excitedly pointed at a picture.

"What about Kida Masaomi?"

Normally, Shizuo didn't remember names. Normally, he didn't remember who tried to kill him. However, Kida Masaomi was special. That kid had the nerve to order those stupid Yellow Scarves to shoot him. Shizuo's mouth tightened.

"No," he growled.

Izaya rolled his eyes. "Honestly," he said as if he wasn't the one who had rejected Anri a while ago. "You people need to learn to let go."

He flipped the pages for a while and Shizuo just watched Izaya do so. Izaya continued to flip the pages. Shizuo continued to watch. There was a silence in the room, and the two men were beginning to get bored.

"This is useless!" Shizuo declared suddenly, throwing the binder from his lap. "Why do we need a kid anyways?"

"But that's what all married couples do!" Izaya complained. "They marry and have kids!"

"We can't have kids!"

"That's why we're adopting!"

"Then find better kids!"

Izaya rolled his eyes. He then proceeded to pick up the binder. But then he paused. The binder had opened to a page that he hadn't considered stopping before. He tapped his chin. _Interesting…_

"What do you think about this one?"

* * *

Kida Masaomi frowned, watching his best friend blush and stutter next to his crush, Sonohara Anri. He rolled his eyes as the boy tried to ask her out without actually saying those words. And then he sniggered as she rejected him without a second thought.

_Oh Mikado_, he thought to himself. _When will you learn from the great master?_

The blonde teen then hopped next to the two, appearing as if he hadn't been watching the two from the beginning. Really, if he wasn't involved, the shy boy would never get anywhere with girls! Which was why it was so important for Masaomi to do this next part here.

"Guys! Let's go hit on girls together at the park!"

He then led the two, his arms wrapped around their shoulders, towards the school gate. School was over for the day and it was the perfect time to go to the park. Of course, Masaomi's plan wasn't as innocent as going to the park to hit on girls. As soon as he got to the park, he was going to remember a 'meeting' he had with some senior girls. He was then going to leave the two alone for their time together.

Masaomi giggled to himself as they made their way towards the school gate. _Oh, I'm such a genius!_

The trio didn't get too far before they all froze at the sight waiting for them in front of the school gate. The three paused. Anri turned around, ready to leave towards the back. Masaomi followed the suit and turned his best friend away from the sight. Really, who wanted to see that?

Orihara Izaya and Heiwajima Shizuo were fighting in front of their school. Shizuo had the school gates in his hands, ready to heave it at Izaya. Izaya was obviously taunting the bartender, smiling gleefully. The two would, no doubt, have the whole front of the school totaled without much effort. The smart students of the school followed Anri and Masaomi's lead and went towards the back of the school. The not-so-smart ones stayed to watch the fight.

And unluckily for Mikado, one of those not-so-smart ones was his beloved Aoba.

"Mikado-senpai!" the young teen shouted towards his senpai.

Masaomi tensed at the sound of the voice and pushed Mikado faster away. But the damage was done.

Both Shizuo and Izaya stopped their fight. Izaya dusted his clothes and smiled brightly towards the spotted trio. Shizuo dropped the school gate on the ground and lit a cigarette. He then stepped over the gate and began to walk towards the trio, Izaya not too far behind him.

Anri gave Shizuo a polite bow before turning to glare at Izaya. Seeing this, Shizuo understood what Izaya had meant about not adopting the girl. Meanwhile, the hated Kida Masaomi had his arms wrapped protectively around his meek friend. Shizuo glared at the boy, which caused the blond to glare right back. The meek friend smiled apologetically before giving both of the adults the bows that they've deserved.

Shizuo nodded, looking thoughtful. Izaya brightened. "I told you so!" he exclaimed.

The informant than proceeded to replace Masaomi's arm on Mikado's shoulder with his own. He then peered down at Mikado, looking way too happy about everything. Mikado, uncomfortable with the sudden interaction, pulled back. Sadly, Izaya was stronger than the shy teen. Mikado was stuck.

"Hey-!" Masaomi began to shout.

But his voice was drowned out when Izaya began to speak.

"Starting today, your name is Orihara Mikado!" Izaya exclaimed.

The three teens paused at that. Did they hear right? Did Izaya, the greatest informant in all of Ikebukuro, just claim Mikado as…?

"Wait a minute!" Shizuo growled around his cigarette. He took it out from his mouth, glaring at Izaya all the while. "I thought we agreed on Heiwajima Mikado."

"But the legal documents all say 'Orihara!'" Izaya protested.

"The child gets his name from his father!" Shizuo growled, reaching for a nearby tree.

"Open your eyes, Shizu-chan! We're _both_ his father!" Izaya retorted, pulling forth his knife.

Anri was the first to recover from this fray. "Sorry, Ryugamine-kun," she told poor, confused boy. "But I'm going to go on ahead." She then glanced over at Izaya and Shizuo, who had begun yet another fight. "Tell me how this one turns out." And as coldly as she had rejected him, she walked away from the group.

Then Masaomi received a phone call. He looked pretty serious once he picked up, but he only grunted twice in agreement. Then suddenly, he turned to Mikado with an apologetic smile. "Sorry," he said his hands together in a cute manner. "But something important just came up. I'll talk to you later about this!"

And Mikado found himself alone on the school ground, watching the fight between Shizuo and Izaya. He then shrugged his shoulders. Both Izaya and Shizuo were strange people, he decided. And this case, whatever case it was, didn't involve him. With that thought calming him, Mikado also left for home.

* * *

Feeling rather accomplished with himself, Mikado made his way to his rented room, bags of grocery in both hands. He hummed a happy tune to himself as he fiddled to get his keys out. Then he inserted the key into the keyhole. But the key wouldn't fit.

Mikado frowned. That couldn't be. He only had one key to this apartment. How could that one key not open the door? Perhaps the door was stuck? Mikado placed his shoulder against the door, trying to budge it with his muscles. However, the door remained still.

_Maybe Masaomi-kun is right and I do need to hit the gym…_

But of course, there was one more urgent thing to do before hitting a gym. Mikado had to pay a visit to the landlord.

"Hm? Mikado-kun? What are you doing here?" the landlord asked, looking genuinely surprised.

_What kind of question is that?_ "I… live here…?" Mikado said. But it came out more like an uncertain question. Why would the landlord ask him what he was doing here? Shouldn't the landlord know that he lives here?

"I thought you were moving in with your parents," the landlord continued.

The young teen looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Didn't they tell you? They moved all of your things and even changed the lock on the door for me. Your fathers were rather sweet about it, too."

_My fathers…? Sweet?_ Mikado tilted his head. "My parents aren't living in Ikebukuro."

"Oh," the landlord said, suddenly looking at Mikado as if he was a lost puppy. "You poor thing, no one told you yet?"

Mikado felt cold sweat drench his body. He looked at the landlady with wide eyes. She wasn't suggesting that his parents…? He tried to speak but found that his throat was clogged. He cleared his throat couple of times, but again, nothing came out. The landlady, pitying the poor boy, gently sat him down on a chair.

"There, there," she said gently. "I know it's a shock to find out that you're adopted."

_Wait… what? I'm… what?_

"Not to mention to a gay couple," she continued.

_WHAT?_

"But things will be okay," the woman continued, not quite realizing that the reason that Mikado looked so sickly wasn't because of the adoption. Or at least not all of it.

I mean, how would you react if you found out that you've been adopted by the two most dangerous men in Ikebukuro?

Mikado fainted.

* * *

He awoke to the sound of a gentle lullaby. It sure reminded him of home. His mother used to stroke his hair, just like this hazy figure was doing right now, as she hummed a lullaby. And he would slowly come awake after a night filled with nightmares. He wasn't sure how she always managed to show up whenever he had nightmares. Perhaps it was a mother's intuition.

"Mom," Mikado said softly. His voice sounded rough from sleep. But he continued to speak. "I had a terrible dream."

"Don't worry," answered a cheerful voice that was clearly not his mother's. "Mama's right here!"

* * *

Unknown to most of Ikebukuro, Shizuo could cook. It was because he changed his profession so much. He had just naturally picked it up. Not to mention living on instant food got sickening after a while. So he had just picked up cooking, which was usually cheaper than buying his own food. And more delicious than instant food.

So on this fine Thursday morning, Shizuo stood in the kitchen, a frying pan in one hand, a cigarette in the other. He slowly breathed out, mixing the smell of fried eggs with the cigarette. _Perfect morning_, he thought to himself.

Then his idea of perfection was shattered by a loud scream coming from the kid's room. He raised a brow, turning to face the door as it slammed open. A rather horrified Mikado came stumbling out of the room, his feet tangled in blankets. He landed in a heap down in the living room. A giggling Izaya followed, looking much too happy about all of this.

"Oh, Mikado!" Izaya said as if he was a mother, lightly chiding her child for being clumsy. He then picked up Mikado in his arms with ease. "Look, Papa's making breakfast!"

Shizuo raised a hand in greeting. But the kid looked too terrified to register anything. He just looked like he wanted to get away. Shizuo frowned. Maybe the kid doesn't like his eggs sunny side up?

Izaya dropped the kid on the dining room chair. The table had already been set up for three people. And much to Mikado's horror, there were three chairs around the table, one of which he was occupying. He gulped. _Why me?_

Shizuo placed the sunny-side up eggs on Mikado's plate. He then turned to Izaya and gave the man the whole frying pan. Izaya frowned.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Izaya asked.

"Clean up the mess," was Shizuo's calm response.

Izaya glanced over at the mess. Dirty dishes and exploded food covered the kitchen. Izaya shrugged. Oh well. He then tossed the frying pan on top of the pile of the dirty dishes. "Namie-chan can take care of it!" he sang before happily skipping over to the table.

Without waiting for anything else, both Izaya and Shizuo dug into their toasts. All Mikado could do was stare at the two blankly. _Is this some sort of a bad dream?_ He thought to himself.

"Eat up, sweetie!" Izaya told him with his usual cheerful voice. "Breakfast is important for a young scholar!"

The teen looked around uncomfortably. Both Shizuo and Izaya were watching him with careful eyes. He sighed. _I'm stuck, aren't I?_ Taking a deep breath, Mikado picked up his toast and nibbled at it. Much to his surprise, it didn't taste bad at all.

* * *

"Mikado-senpai!" Aoba greeted him the minute he walked into the school ground. As expected, the school gate was still on the ground, where Shizuo had dropped it.

"Hello," Mikado greeted, tiredly. He just wanted to go sit in a corner and think over everything that has happened to him.

"Yesterday sure was exciting, wasn't it?" Aoba asked, looking cutely up at his senpai.

"I guess…" Mikado grumbled, not really wanting to answer. He was certain Aoba knew something about what had happened last night and this morning, but he felt that if he spoke out loud, he would be acknowledging what had happened. And for as long as he ignored what had happened….

"Hey Mikado!"

The teen froze at the sound of the voice. There was no doubt about it. It was his 'Papa.' Mikado turned slowly, counting to twenty in his mind backwards and forwards four times. Aoba stared at the two of them, looking curious.

"You forgot your lunch," Shizuo explained, handing Mikado a small bag wrapped in a pink, bunny handkerchief. Mikado decided not to question Shizuo's fashion sense.

"Ah…. thanks..?"

Then as if he had accomplished a grand task, Shizuo nodded sternly before walking off. Mikado blinked, staring at the man's back. _Why me…?_

"Mikado-senpai!"

_Oh yeah. That one._

Aoba looked stricken, almost as if he had just been told that his parents were dead from a plane crash. He looked at Mikado with wide, teary eyes. He looked so desperate that Mikado was willing to tell him almost anything to make him stop looking at him with those cute, puppy dog eyes.

"What is Shizuo-san to you?"

Mikado remembered Izaya's words that morning. He then resigned himself to fate. "Well… Shizuo-san is… my papa."

* * *

It was normal for Masaomi to show up when Mikado was eating lunch. It was also normal for him to show up, grab both him and Anri, and drag them to the school roof to eat lunch together. It wasn't normal, however, for Izaya to show up randomly just to check on how he was doing.

"I just had an epiphany!" he exclaimed before pulling a chair next to Mikado's sit.

Mikado didn't want to know. He _really_ didn't want to know.

"Call me Iza-Mama from now on!" he said, looking proud of himself.

The teen smashed his head against his desk as hard as he can. _Maybe if I get a concussion, all of this would go away…_

"Oh, and you'll have to call Shizu-chan, Shizu-papa!"

The teen smashed his head against the desk again. But this time, Izaya's quick hands grabbed him before his head could meet the desk. Then Izaya plunged in the final knife.

"Mika-baby! You'll hurt yourself like that!"

* * *

Omake:

Mikado picked up a black notebook lying on the ground. He frowned. There was something written on it in English, but English had never been his forte. He shrugged. _What's the worst that can happen?_

"Iza-mama," Mikado said once he got home, "What does this mean?"

Izaya took the notebook from his son's hands. Then his grin became even wickeder. "Why, Mika-baby," Izaya said, using the baby name that Mikado hated with all his heart, "are you trying to kill someone?"

Mikado tilted his head. "What do you mean?"

Laughing, the informant handed the book back to his son. "According to this, the person whose name is written on this note will be dead in forty seconds!"

Well of course, without a doubt, there was one person in the world that Mikado would kill without hesitation. For the first time, he thanked his 'mother' and ran into his bedroom, clutching tightly to the note.

With a shaky hand, he took out a ball point pen and opened the notebook to the first page. He took a deep breath.

"Ryugamine Mikado," he wrote on the note.

Forty seconds passed, but nothing happened.

Mikado frowned. _Maybe because Izaya-san changed my name…?_ With an annoyed sigh, Mikado tried the next name.

"Orihara Mikado."

Forty seconds passed, but Mikado did not drop dead.

Now, the poor teen was becoming confused. _What if Shizuo-san's complaint got through to Izaya-san?_ Scratching his head, Mikado tried the next name.

"Heiwajima Mikado."

Another forty seconds passed with no dead body in sight.

Mikado screamed in frustration and threw the notebook across the room. "I can't even commit suicide now?"

From outside of Mikado's room, Izaya giggled. "Of course not, Mika-baby," he mumbled to himself. He then took out the real version of the Death Note.

Grinning widely, he tapped his head with a pen. _Who should I begin with…?_


End file.
